I Was Young When I Left Home
by Adarian
Summary: Having rejected the Dark Ritual, Tabris finds herself alive after taking the final blow. She quickly realizes the tragic irony: she was pregnant. Surviving the miscarriage, she is forced to examine her situation and what it means for her relationship with Zevran. Written as a kink meme request.


Aria Tabris run forward with a cry, pulling her sword from the darkspawn's belly as she charged down the Archdemon. She dared not look back. She could not look back at Zevran, an arm's length from her, as she plowed her blade into the dragon's heart.

In those seconds of bright light, she breathed deeply. It was over. She could go in peace, knowing she had done all she could do. She closed her eyes and waited.

But death did not follow.

The explosion threw her back to the ground, landing inches away from her love. She looked up at the slain beast, the fleeing darkspawn, and the bloodied face of the elf beside her.

She wondered why she was still alive as the cramping began in her belly. Was this it now? The taint tearing her apart from the inside. As Zevran stood to rush to her side, she held out her hand to stop him. The pain continued and she screamed, feeling blood trickling down her leg.

Their eyes met before Aria collapsed to the ground. Zevran caught her, holding her as Alistair ran towards them.

"Get a healer, now!" Zevran ordered, his lip trembling as he looked back to her.

Softer, he murmured, "Love, don't leave me now. Stay with me. Love, love, don't go."

Aria still heard his voice as she faded into unconsciousness.

_You will not do it? Truly?_

_Morrigan. You and I both know your mother is still out there. This child will always be in danger. What if she possesses him? A mage with a soul of an old god? It could destroy everything._

_So you do not trust me._

_I trust you with my life, you know that. You are a sister to me. Don't do this to yourself, don't put yourself in danger for me._

_And then you should sacrifice your life for all of us? So they can call you hero? The one good elf? Think of Zevran. Are you so eager to leave him behind?_

_I want to keep him safe. _

_You're not going to tell him, are you?_

_I can't. I'm not strong enough. _

_I cannot stay and watch you die, my friend. You know that. I beg of you, don't throw your life away when I can save you both._

_I'm sorry._

Aria woke in a soft bed, her body aching from head to toe. She looked over, seeing Shianni sitting beside her, holding her hand.

"Oh cousin, you're awake," she murmured, squeezing affectionately, "I was so worried. Your…Zevran, he came and got us. Your Dad and Soris are in the other room with him now. That mage barely let me in."

Aria asked quietly, "Alistair is safe?"

Shianni frowned, "Yes, he's fine. Barely a scratch on him. He might put a hole in the ground pacing back and forth in front of the door, though."

Aria's heart slowed as her hand went to her belly.

Shianni bit her lip, "You didn't know, did you?"

Aria shook her head.

"The mage said you were 14 weeks along, just into the second trimester-"

"Shianni," Aria croaked, "Please. Just go."

Shianni nodded quietly and walked into the hallway, closing the door behind her.

Aria rolled to her side, her hand still resting on her stomach. How could she not have known? How could she have been so stupid? She was supposed to die. She wasn't supposed to have an out. It was supposed to be her, not this little life that was growing in her. Her baby.

She had never thought she would have a child, never thought that she could even carry one after the joining the Wardens. She had mourned that loss privately, let it go as she did the rest of her former life. No husband, no children.

But for some miracle, what she thought was impossible had occurred. She had met Zevran. He wanted to marry her. Her, the little trash girl from the Alienage. This beautiful man wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

Would he be so pleased to see her again when he learned how she had survived?

She wanted to cry, to scream and howl, but she could barely whimper. Her throat quivered as she curled her knees to her chest. She could hear the voices of her companions outside the door, hear the lower murmur of her father's comforting words.

She would have to go out, she was a hero now. Her face belonged to more than herself now. The new King would parade his fellow Warden, the first to survive slaying an Archdemon. There would be so many questions. There would be some who thought she had planned this, to sacrifice her child. Some might praise her even, she had seen some of the things Wardens did to survive.

But she could not find the strength to rise from the bed.

The door opened again and Aria closed her eyes. She did not want to share her grief.

"Love," Zevran murmured as he came to sit beside her, "Love, open your eyes. Please, let me see you."

Aria refused and whispered, "Go, Zev. Please. Please just go."

Zevran replied quietly, "Don't throw me away. Don't push me out, not now."

Aria felt her chest heave as she began to cry. She curled her head towards Zevran, who stroked through her hair gently. She opened her eyes as he stopped. He took off his shoes, lying down on the bed beside her. Careful not to touch her, he lay still, his eyes meeting hers.

"It's not your fault," he said gently, "Many women lose their first baby. I don't blame you. You shouldn't blame yourself either."

Aria choked out a laugh, "No, no, this is my fault. The Maker has a truly wonderful sense of humour. Oh Zevran, don't look at me like that. I don't deserve pity."

Aria chuckled darkly, "I went up that tower to die. Only Alistair knew. One of us had to. A tainted soul had to be destroyed. A life to save us all. There was a way out and I refused to take it. I had to be a hero, I had to die in glory. But there was one other way, another tainted soul on that tower, one that the Archdemon found even more attractive than mine. One just developing a heart."

Zevran's skin went pale, "What are you telling me, love?"

"I traded our child's soul to save mine. I didn't mean to, but what does that matter? I didn't lose our child. I gave her up. She died. I killed her. And maybe if I had told you what might happen, you might have told me I was a fool. You might have told me that anything was worth protecting our family. We could both be here, me and her. But I was willing to die. I was willing to break your heart for my own vanity and selfishness. I don't deserve your pity, I deserve your scorn."

Zevran swallowed hard, "I don't know what to say."

"Why are you still here?" Aria cried, "Why can't you just leave me? I should have died on that tower with her. I should have…I should have…just go. I don't want to see you, get out of here."

Zevran paused and said quietly, "As you wish."

Aria turned into the pillow, sobbing hysterically as he left the room. She wailed and thrashed, cursing herself. For a brief moment, she wished her father, wished anyone, would come into the room to comfort her. But as the quiet set in around her, she caught her breath.

oOoOoOo

Zevran barely held his tears back when he closed the door, his hands shaking. Alistair had warned him, told him what had happened. But hearing it from her…hearing her voice shatter, he could not handle it.

He had held her until Wynne had arrived, watched the blood spill from her abdomen. He had prayed to a Maker he didn't believe in, Creators he was not certain in, to anyone to bring her back to him safely. He had thought it a miracle when she had opened her eyes again, briefly, as the mage came to her side.

He heard only a few whispered things between Alistair and Wynne, but enough to understand there had been a miscarriage. He had shouted at Alistair as he carried Aria away, pleading to know what had happened to his love and child. He would never forget Alistair's face as he turned, his face bloody and pale, crying as he held his fellow Warden in his arms.

Wynne had thrown Zevran out of her room, telling him she needed space. He had found his way to the Alienage, found his way to the father and cousins he had met only briefly before.

And now that Aria herself had thrown him out, he found himself comforted by Cyrion himself. The older man threw his arms around him, holding him close to his chest as he would a child. Zevran let himself be embraced, pulling away as Cyrion said, "There, there, son. Come back and finish your supper. It's been a long day."

Zevran nodded, following him back into the waiting room. He sat down with the others, letting Cyrion bring him food and drink. Soris nudged him kindly, passing him utensils.

As he pretended to eat, Zevran watched the other elves talk with the members of their party. This was supposed to be his family. Under other circumstances, he would have laughed at Cyrion's doting, of Shianni's incessant chatting with Leilana, of Soris attempting to make Sten smile. But now…now he desperately wanted to cling on to them. He was going to lose her. He knew it. This would all go too, like a pleasant dream. When he saw her next…he knew she would leave him.

Perhaps he deserved this. Perhaps if she had trusted in him, maybe…maybe…

He pushed a slice of potato to the side as he contemplated. 14 weeks. How had they not known? Maybe he had, maybe he had just ignored the signs. He had been around pregnant women his whole life. How could he not have seen it? They had been careful, certainly at first, but then…

He thought of her face above his, that coy smile that would cross her lips when she was close. Sometimes she would laugh when she came, this shy chuckle that warmed his heart. How could he think of anything else then? How could he not want this beautiful woman to be happy, to relax under his hands. Zevran loved sex, but he had never quite enjoyed it so much as with her. It was not so much the technique, but as the intensity. He felt closest to her then, felt as if he was a part of her very soul. Their last time had been quieter, demur. She had not smiled. He didn't think of it at the time, but now…

Zevran left the room, finding himself out in the courtyard. He watched the people celebrate in the streets. Drinking, fornicating. It would not be hard to lose himself among them, to find a few good moments before his world fell apart.

But he could not leave her.

Before he could stop himself, he ran back into the castle, running up the stairs and pushing his way into her room. Aria sat up, her face stained with tears.

"I don't care," Zevran said, his heart pounding in his chest as he went to her side.

Aria looked up as his hands went around her face, pulling her into a kiss. She kissed back, her arms wrapping around his neck.

"I love you," he said, "If you need to mourn, mourn with me. If you need to blame me, blame me. But I'm not leaving you. I am never going to leave you."

"Zev," she murmured, pulling herself into his arms, "Zev…"

He held her and said, "I would have died there with you, my love. I would have died a hundred times over. I would have stormed the Black City itself with you. I am yours. Forever, always. Why did you want to leave me?"

"I wanted to keep you safe," she murmured, "I thought…I didn't think…I thought you would survive without me."

"Don't leave me again," he said, tears streaming down his face, "No dying for any heroic causes. You belong to me. You don't get to go until we are old and fat and grey."

"I promise," she replied.

He pressed his forehead against hers, tears streaming down his face.

"We may never be able to have another one," she whispered.

Zevran's heart sank, "I know. But we will have children. I saw enough little urchin boys and girls in the city. I am sure someone will not miss one of them."

Aria managed a smile, "We'll find one who doesn't belong to anyone, at least."

He smiled in return, weakly and she replied, "It's going to get worse before it gets easier. I…oh Maker…she's gone, Zev."

"I know, love," he murmured, holding her to him as she cried. He nestled into her hair, smelling her scent. He hated himself for it, but he was grateful she was alive. He mourned, but the child was a mere concept to him. She was real, she was tangible underneath his fingers. His love. Alive. He never wanted to let go of her again.

oOoOoOoOo

A few days later, the royal court gathered to celebrate the crowning of the new King of Ferelden and his Queen. Zevran waited in the shadows as instructed, though Aria had wished desperately for him to be by her side now.

She felt as weak as a rag doll as Alistair presented her to the people of Ferelden. The words washed over her, meaningless in all she had felt the past three days. What did titles mean to her? She needed none of them. She wanted to return to her father's home. She wanted to sleep for weeks.

Nobles congratulated her, wished her well. Some looked suspicious as she passed. She feared the rumours had already begun. Some whispered she carried the King's bastard, some saying blood magic had been use to kill the Archdemon. It did not matter. The cruel words in her own mind were worse than any that could be thrown at her.

As the party continued, Aria made her way to Zevran, weakly taking his hand. He seemed to understand without words, leading her into the gardens. The late summer heat was warm on their shoulders, the birds singing in the trees around them. Life went on, even as the summer faded into fall.

"You still want to stay in Denerim?" Zevran asked softly.

Aria nodded, "I want to be home. I need…time."

Zevran said, "Then I have a surprise for you. Are you ready to go?"

Aria smiled at him tiredly, "Yes. Let's get out of here."

Zevran brought her to a carriage waiting at the rear of the castle, away from the adoring crowds. He held her hand as he helped her into the back. She rested her head on his shoulder as they rode away, watching as they approached more familiar surroundings.

Zevran paid the carriage and helped her down to the streets. She realized they were at the gates of the Alienage. He took her hand as they walked past the great tree and to a little house to the side. Zevran unlocked it and led her inside.

It was a small place, similar to the home she had grown up in. Despite the chaos in the Alienage, the house was in good repair, furnished with simple, but comfortable things. She recognized the rug on the ground from her father's house.

She turned, seeing Zevran watch her from the doorway.

"I know it will take you awhile," Zevran said gently, "I know it will hurt. But I want to make it as easy as possible. So let's stay here. You and me. There will be enough to do when you are better. I know it's nothing fancy…ex-Antivan Crows don't have a lot of money, but-"

"It's perfect," Aria murmured, "It's absolutely perfect."

She went to his side and kissed him deeply. He seemed surprised by the action, softly touching her shoulder. Her hands went to his shirt, undoing his buttons.

"Love," he whispered, "If this is too soon…"

"I've missed you," she said softly, "I want you. Please."

Zevran sighed happily as she tossed his shirt to the side. He started to unbutton her dress as her hands undid his stays. She paused, holding onto her dress so it did not fall to the floor. She took it off slowly, standing awkwardly still as it pooled around her.

Her heart skipped a beat as his hand cupped her cheek.

"I need you to lead," she murmured, "I can't…I can't think…"

He kissed her eagerly as he led her to the rug.

"I'm sorry," he chuckled, "I wanted you to help pick out the bed."

"It's still better than a tent," she replied.

He knelt over her body. Aria felt like a wounded animal, eyed by a hungry wolf. She let the anxiety pass over her as he kissed down her belly and to her tender sex. He kissed her lips almost chastely before bringing his tongue inside of her. She moaned out gently, his hands reaching up to hold hers.

"Zev," she murmured desperately.

He paused, kissing her swelling clit. She relaxed under his touch, allowing her body to move with his mouth. The tension in her chest began to settle, her breathing growing steadier and smoother. She looked down at him, a smile coming across her face.

He loved her.

She came quietly, a gentle shaking as he held her to him. As she settled, he rested his head on her chest, kissing between her breasts.

She felt tears streaming down her face as he moved her into his arms.

"It will take time. For both of us," he said softly, kissing her forehead, "Don't give up on us yet."

"I promise," she murmured.

She was not sure if he believed her, she did not know if she believed herself. But as she looked over at him, she knew she had to try.


End file.
